The Sandwich Generation:

Balancing Family Responsibilities and Caring for Aging Parents


By Eric Vogen


 

At a time when your career is reaching a peak and you are looking ahead to your own retirement, you may find you are helping your children with college expenses while at the same time looking after the needs of your aging parents. Squeezed in the middle, you’ve joined the ranks of the “sandwich generation.” Here are some of the challenges you may be facing:


• Higher living standards mean an increased life expectancy, and you may need to help your parents prepare adequately for the future.
• If your family is small and widely dispersed, you may end up as the primary caregiver for your parents.
• If you’ve delayed having children so that you could focus on your career first, your children may be starting college at the same time as your parents become dependent on you for support.
• You may be facing the challenges of “boomerang children” who have returned home after a divorce or a job loss.
• Like many individuals, you may be incurring debt at an unprecedented rate, facing pension shortfalls, and wondering about the future of Social Security.


Holding down a job and raising a family in today’s world is hard enough without having to worry about keeping the three-headed monster of college, retirement, and concerns about elderly parents at bay. But if you take some time now to determine your goals and work on a flexible plan, you’ll save yourself from much stress—and expense—in years to come. Planning ahead gives you the chance to take the wishes of the entire family into account and to reduce future disagreements with your siblings over the care of your parents.


Can We Talk?


To begin planning for the future, start by talking to your parents about what provisions they have already made for the future. Do they have long-term care insurance? Adequate retirement income? Find out what their needs and wishes are. In some cases, however, they may be unwilling or unable to talk about their future. This can happen for a number of reasons, including:


• Fear of incapacity
• Resentment toward you for interfering
• Reluctance to burden you with their problems


If you are dealing with any of these issues, you may need to do as much planning as you can without them. The bottom line is that you need to have a plan. If you’re nervous about talking to your parents, make a list of topics that you need to discuss so you’ll be less likely to forget something. The following list will help you get started:


• Long-term care insurance: Do they have it? If not, should they buy it?
• Living arrangements: Can they still live alone, or is it time to explore other options?
• Medical care decisions: What are their wishes, and who will carry them out?
• Financial planning: How can you protect their assets?
• Estate planning: Do they have all of the necessary documents (e.g., wills, trusts)?
• Expectations: What do you expect from your parents, and what do they expect from you?


Once you’ve opened the lines of communication, your next step is to prepare a personal data record. This document lists information that you might need in case your parents become incapacitated or die. In addition, learn the whereabouts of all their documents and obtain a list of the professionals and friends they rely on for support. If your parents live some distance away, daily phone calls can be time consuming, and travel to their home may be expensive. To reduce your stress, try to involve your siblings (if you have any) in looking after mom or dad, too.


Can Do or Can’t Do


If their safety or health is in danger, however, you may need to step in as caregiver. If you’re concerned about your parents’ mental or physical capabilities, ask their doctor(s) to recommend a facility for a geriatric assessment. These assessments can be done at hospitals or clinics. The evaluation determines your parents’ capabilities for day-to-day activities (e.g., cooking, housework, personal hygiene, taking medications, making phone calls). The facility can then refer you and your parents to organizations that provide support.


If you can’t be there to care for your parents, or if you just need some guidance to oversee your parents’ care, a geriatric care manager (GCM) can also help. Typically, GCMs are nurses or social workers with experience in geriatric care. They can assess your parents’ ability to live on their own, coordinate round-the-clock care if necessary, or recommend home healthcare and other agencies that can help your parents remain independent.


Don’t try to care for your parents alone. Many local and national caregiver support groups and community services are available to help you cope with caring for your aging parents. If you don’t know where to find help, contact your state’s department of eldercare services. Or, call (800) 677-1116 to reach the Eldercare Locator, an information and referral service sponsored by the federal government that can direct you to resources available nationally or in your area. Some of the services available in your community may include

:
• Caregiver support groups and training
• Adult day care
• Respite care
• Guidelines on how to choose a nursing home
• Free or low-cost legal advice


Once you’ve gathered all of the necessary information, you may find some gaps. Perhaps your mother doesn’t have a healthcare directive, or her will is outdated. You may wish to consult an attorney or other financial professional whose advice both you and your parents can trust.


Moving In


As your parents grow older, their health may deteriorate so much that they can no longer live on their own. At this point, you may need to find them in-home healthcare or healthcare within a retirement community or nursing home. If money is an issue, moving in with you may be the best (or only) option, but you’ll want to give this decision serious thought since it will impact your entire family. Talk about it as a family first. A lot of help is out there, including friends and extended family. Don’t be afraid to ask.


Before your parents move in, share all your expectations in advance—a parent will want to feel part of your household and may be happy to take on some responsibilities. Bear in mind that your parent needs a separate room and phone for space and privacy. Also, contact local, civic, and religious organizations to find out about programs that will involve your parent in the community.


Concerning your children, be sympathetic and supportive— they’re trying to adjust, too. Tell them honestly about the pros and cons of having a grandparent in the house. Ask them to take responsibility for certain chores, but don’t require them to be the caregivers. Your children may be feeling the effects of your situation more than you think, especially if they are teenagers. At a time when they are most in need of your patience and attention, you may be preoccupied with your parents and how to look after them. Don’t neglect your own family when taking care of a parent. Even though your parent may have more pressing needs, your first duty is to your children who depend on you for everything. Here are some things to keep in mind as you try to balance your family’s needs:


• Explain fully what changes may come about as you begin caring for your parent. Usually, children only need their questions and concerns to be addressed before making the adjustment.

• Discuss college plans with your children. They may have to settle for less than they wanted, or at least take a job to help meet costs.

• Avoid dipping into your retirement savings to pay for college. Your children can repay loans with their future salaries; your pension will be the only income you have.

• If you have boomerang children at home, make sure all your expectations have been shared with them, too. Don’t be afraid to discuss a target date for their departure.


Take Care of Yourself


Get enough rest and relaxation every evening, and stay involved with your friends and interests. Try to work with other family members and ask them to help out, perhaps by providing temporary care for your parent if you must take a much-needed break. Finally, keep lines of communication open with your spouse, parents, children, and siblings. This may be especially important for the smooth running of your multi-generation family, resulting in a workable and healthy home environment.

 

 

Eric Vogen is a Certified Financial Planner practitioner and President/CEO/CCO of Vision Capital & Management, www.visioncapitalmgt. com, A Registered Investment Advisor firm located at 108 S. Main St., Suite E, in Davidson, NC 28036, (704) 894- 9639. Securities are offered through FSC Securities Corporation, member FINRA/SIPC. Advisory services are offered through Vision Capital & Management, which is independent of FSC Securities Corporation. The views expressed are not necessarily the opinion of FSC Securities Corporation.

 

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